Phyllis Diller quotes

MARRIAGE

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

WORK

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

THAT'S FUNNY

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

PARENTING

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

SPORTS

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.